the things of this world are fleeting. people come and go. the world around me is "what have you done for me lately". obviously not enough. at the end of the day, everyone looks after themselves and i'm okay with that. i'm the only one who hasn't been doing that and i need to learn how to. the only person who can talk me off the ledge so me. so i need to start trusting myself more. so goodbye.

i am so fucking broken.

life is not okay, but i am okay with that.

practice patience. keep things simple. remove those we don't value you. communicate more. stop doubting yourself. stop letting satan speak lies. seek truth. promote self-love.

So Long 2019

Leaving 2019 behind me and not thinking twice about it.

For 2020, I look forward to achieving more than I've ever wanted.

Physically, I will achieve the following:

• be in the best shape of my life
• Slim down to 175
• benching 225, squating 300, over pressing 135, curling 100
• run at least a 10k
• sleep more (by midnight)
• wake up regularly at 7 am

Mentally, I will achieve the following:

• boost my mental health
• read at least 10 books
• journal monthly
• learn to cook better

Spiritually, I will achieve the following:

• pray more and journal it
• share the Gospel more
• read more
• serve others more
• do missions 

I have a lot to work on in 2020. I'm thankful for new days and new opportunities.

If your absence doesn't affect them, your presence never mattered

2019

It's been almost 5 years since I written my thoughts down. As I read back through my old posts, I'm reminded of the ups and downs of my life, many of which I don't even remember the purpose of writing. I am able to see some trends though -- that the old me was hopeful and optimistic. The old me had a good grasp of God's unchanging love and that each new day was an opportunity to make the most of it. I guess the old me is trying to tell me because the me today surely needs that.

I hope years down the road I'll remember why I wrote this post. That 2019 was by far the hardest year in my life. A year of much disappointment and struggle with all things external and even much more internal. I don't know how much I'll ever really write, but I'm pretty much at a point where I'm desperate for any outlet. So I might as well jot it down.

Nights like tonight remind me that I'm easily insecure with being alone. This year has probably been the most I've felt very lonely. Very isolated and at times depressed. The feeling is a very numbing feeling. At times I've felt apart from my family. More times I've felt apart from close friends. And most times I've felt apart my closest relationships. I'm (slowly) learning that being alone is okay though. I don't prefer it, but I don't have a choice. I'll only get more depressed if I don't.

One constructive thing I'm learning to combat my depression is being expressive of my feelings. I use to so vague with my thoughts and feelings. Too many feelings of being "tired" or "frustrated". Who really knew where they came from. Sometimes I didn't really know. I just felt tired and frustrated. Nowadays, I'm starting to consider how different aspects of my life affect me. I feel respected at work. I feel inspired to be a better coworker and boss. I feel purposeful in being a leader. Probably the happiest area of my life. I feel confused everywhere else. I feel pressured at home. The expectations overwhelm me. It makes me inadequate and many times fearful of disappointing. I feel distant in some of my close friendships. I know there is support in my family and friends, but my mind still can't help but feel withdrawn from them. I also feel resentful towards some of my friendships. Like these friendships are out of sight, out of mind. A pretty sobering feeling that not all friendships were meant to be close. But that's partially my fault for being naive and stretching myself thin. I feel foolish for falling into the same patterns and not being able to shake characteristics that I am not proud of -- insecure, jealous, short-tempered, judgmental, selfish. I've hurt some good people because of it. It makes me feel ashamed and remorseful. Words are powerful and I'm still learning how to temper my emotions when they are heightened. I am thankful that forgiveness is real though. That's all I can really ask for. I have a lot asking to do. I hope I can right some of my wrongs in 2020.

I've tried to fix too many things in haste this year. This has led me to do things in such a poor manner. My anxiety and insecurity from my problems only becomes exacerbated. I need to learn to slow down. I have to learn how to sleep on some things and think things through. I can't just run with the first emotion. So I hope these next two months I can just slow things down. Work on myself and trust that the goodness of my heart and of others.

I hope I can learn forgiveness better. I hope I can be forgiven better too. To reconnect with my faith and stop running away from God. To take care of my body, mind, and soul better. For my body -- to sleep more, eat healthier, spend more time walking, lift heavier, stretch more. For my mind -- more positive thoughts, smile more, care less about pleasing others, to not avoid conflict, speak slower and softer, read more books, seek wisdom from others I can trust. For my soul -- seek God more, pray more, find inspiration and purpose, do things that make me happy, being okay if I'm alone, count my blessings, find ways to bless others, cherish small things every day.

Resolutions

3. Sleep early. Wake early.
2. Train hard.
1. Pursue God. Trust God.

"Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe."