the things of this world are fleeting. people come and go. the world around me is "what have you done for me lately". obviously not enough. at the end of the day, everyone looks after themselves and i'm okay with that. i'm the only one who hasn't been doing that and i need to learn how to. the only person who can talk me off the ledge so me. so i need to start trusting myself more. so goodbye.

i am so fucking broken.

life is not okay, but i am okay with that.

practice patience. keep things simple. remove those we don't value you. communicate more. stop doubting yourself. stop letting satan speak lies. seek truth. promote self-love.

So Long 2019

Leaving 2019 behind me and not thinking twice about it.

For 2020, I look forward to achieving more than I've ever wanted.

Physically, I will achieve the following:

• be in the best shape of my life
• Slim down to 175
• benching 225, squating 300, over pressing 135, curling 100
• run at least a 10k
• sleep more (by midnight)
• wake up regularly at 7 am

Mentally, I will achieve the following:

• boost my mental health
• read at least 10 books
• journal monthly
• learn to cook better

Spiritually, I will achieve the following:

• pray more and journal it
• share the Gospel more
• read more
• serve others more
• do missions 

I have a lot to work on in 2020. I'm thankful for new days and new opportunities.

If your absence doesn't affect them, your presence never mattered

2019

It's been almost 5 years since I written my thoughts down. As I read back through my old posts, I'm reminded of the ups and downs of my life, many of which I don't even remember the purpose of writing. I am able to see some trends though -- that the old me was hopeful and optimistic. The old me had a good grasp of God's unchanging love and that each new day was an opportunity to make the most of it. I guess the old me is trying to tell me because the me today surely needs that.

I hope years down the road I'll remember why I wrote this post. That 2019 was by far the hardest year in my life. A year of much disappointment and struggle with all things external and even much more internal. I don't know how much I'll ever really write, but I'm pretty much at a point where I'm desperate for any outlet. So I might as well jot it down.

Nights like tonight remind me that I'm easily insecure with being alone. This year has probably been the most I've felt very lonely. Very isolated and at times depressed. The feeling is a very numbing feeling. At times I've felt apart from my family. More times I've felt apart from close friends. And most times I've felt apart my closest relationships. I'm (slowly) learning that being alone is okay though. I don't prefer it, but I don't have a choice. I'll only get more depressed if I don't.

One constructive thing I'm learning to combat my depression is being expressive of my feelings. I use to so vague with my thoughts and feelings. Too many feelings of being "tired" or "frustrated". Who really knew where they came from. Sometimes I didn't really know. I just felt tired and frustrated. Nowadays, I'm starting to consider how different aspects of my life affect me. I feel respected at work. I feel inspired to be a better coworker and boss. I feel purposeful in being a leader. Probably the happiest area of my life. I feel confused everywhere else. I feel pressured at home. The expectations overwhelm me. It makes me inadequate and many times fearful of disappointing. I feel distant in some of my close friendships. I know there is support in my family and friends, but my mind still can't help but feel withdrawn from them. I also feel resentful towards some of my friendships. Like these friendships are out of sight, out of mind. A pretty sobering feeling that not all friendships were meant to be close. But that's partially my fault for being naive and stretching myself thin. I feel foolish for falling into the same patterns and not being able to shake characteristics that I am not proud of -- insecure, jealous, short-tempered, judgmental, selfish. I've hurt some good people because of it. It makes me feel ashamed and remorseful. Words are powerful and I'm still learning how to temper my emotions when they are heightened. I am thankful that forgiveness is real though. That's all I can really ask for. I have a lot asking to do. I hope I can right some of my wrongs in 2020.

I've tried to fix too many things in haste this year. This has led me to do things in such a poor manner. My anxiety and insecurity from my problems only becomes exacerbated. I need to learn to slow down. I have to learn how to sleep on some things and think things through. I can't just run with the first emotion. So I hope these next two months I can just slow things down. Work on myself and trust that the goodness of my heart and of others.

I hope I can learn forgiveness better. I hope I can be forgiven better too. To reconnect with my faith and stop running away from God. To take care of my body, mind, and soul better. For my body -- to sleep more, eat healthier, spend more time walking, lift heavier, stretch more. For my mind -- more positive thoughts, smile more, care less about pleasing others, to not avoid conflict, speak slower and softer, read more books, seek wisdom from others I can trust. For my soul -- seek God more, pray more, find inspiration and purpose, do things that make me happy, being okay if I'm alone, count my blessings, find ways to bless others, cherish small things every day.

Resolutions

3. Sleep early. Wake early.
2. Train hard.
1. Pursue God. Trust God.

"Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe."

HNY

So long 2014.

I won't be living 2015 with no regrets. That's too cliche. That's not necessarily how life should be lived anyways. Rather, I hope to live 2015 with a passion that's worth living for. To wake up each day with a renewed mind that I am here with a purpose. A purpose to bless others. A purpose to love and support others. Ultimately, a purpose to glorify God. To mature in my walk with Christ. To dedicate my thoughts and actions on the purpose of His Kingdom and to be apart of God's glorious will. In all things, may I remember that there will be a better day. Whether here on Earth or not. That to live is Christ and to die is gain. To fulfill my commitments with passion, purpose, and preparedness.

Society has placed an emphasis on the occasion of a new year. It's a big overdone, but still a great reminder of the renewal that a new day is a blessed day. Thus, a new year is even more blessed. So here's to 2015. You bring me new hope and excitement that only my imagination can dream up. Cheers.

The Day After

The day after Christmas. I am reminded that when we cherish important things in life it is not just about remembering them after-the-fact. It is being immersed in it during-the-fact. It is being fully present and intentional that this important thing is a blessing from God, something undeserved to begin with, and something so dear that even time will not take away. It is rich in your soul and there is almost an eternal joy that springs forth because it brings life, more than a life here on earth. I am reminded to cherish the small things more. The small amounts of time more. The small gestures more. For these small things swell up into something greater.

Though not every day seems like the next best day, will I remember my purpose and meaning behind it? Will I stride to align my vision and my pursuits with that of God's? Those days seem pretty bleak at times, even in during seasons of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Especially during a year of so many ups and downs.

God, please help me remember. Please help me make conscious decisions daily that are aligned with your goodness. I am truly blessed. Please help me not to forget that. Let it be an empowerment.

Season of Running

It is more than refreshing to reflect on how life has been these past 6 months. In times where I thought I was a failure, a loner, a spiteful companion, I have been overwhelmed with the foundational love and grace of Christ. It has been a miracle for my heart to find peace and yet, I have more than peace. I have found meaning and purpose. To wake up each day and know that I have purpose is one of the greatest gift any man can ever want. I've been given this season of seemingly ample time (and even "boredom") to see that there is a purpose and a plan of action to be had. 6 months really doesn't seem like a long time, yet it has felt like an eternity. I have had some pretty terrible days where my emotions would run well overboard. But through it all, there has been a definitive "you are in good hands" feeling with a God who can't help but pursue me. In His everlasting desire to be long for and glorified, He has blessed me with His pursuit. It is undeserving, but very appreciated. I can only hope to replicate that pursue one day for those God has willed in my life. I have never been more excited for the future. I have never been more amped up to be a man of my words. I have never been ready to fight the good fight and run the race with passion and discipline.

Stride for stride. The finish line is far from sight. Never lose hope. Press onward for the prize. In the words of my middle school football team motto: "Think like a champion. Live like a champion. Look like a champion. Be like a champion."

Repentance

"Repentance is a rich biblical term that signifies an elemental transformation in someone's mind, heart, and life. When people repent, they turn from walking in one direction to running in the opposite direction. From that point forward, they think differently, believe differently, feel differently, love differently, and live differently...Fundamentally, then, repentance involves renouncing a former way of life in favor of a new way of life."

Time to start running.

27

I am reminded of God's goodness yet again. That He is faithful in his promises, but even more generous in his giving. Count the blessings and stop more frequently to enjoy the small things in life. Persevere when times are tough. Endure the times when you feel alone and abandoned. Hope when you feel doubt and struggle to see a brighter future.

Remember these moments make you closer to the Creator of the beginning and end. A God in control and who has a will much more delightful than you can ever fathom. You hold onto the trivial emotions of the now, but be satisfied in the everlasting joy of the forever future.

Do big things this year. Live with joy and share it well with others. Chase hard after the Lord and be true to your commitments and disciplines. Do not settle for the instant gratifications but purify your mind for your lovely bride at the end of the aisle. Cherish your blessings and be fruitful in your ministry. 27. Do it big.

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Tomorrow

The Gospel has been more than real.

There will be bigger and brighter days ahead.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

3 Months

3 months of working out. best results aren't physical. rather, it's knowing that you got more in you to push through the hard times. hard work. a strong work ethic. the results will play out for itself. never forget that getting better is a slow process. have a goal in mind, but don't get lost in it. face each day trying to outdo the last. stay true to yourself. no one else will believe in you like you can.

It's Like That

It's like when you lose the best thing life has to offer and you want it back, but then you realize you don't even deserve it. so you just sit there and wonder what exactly happened. and you can't figure it out. it's like that.


"God is our refuge and strength,


a very present help in trouble. 

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling."

Forward

And here. We go.

"A man of ordinary talent will always be ordinary, whether he travels or not; but a man of superior talent will go to pieces if he reminds forever in the same place."

Psalm 37:4

may I delight in the Lord and long for His heart's desires.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Good Friday

When Jesus had spoken these words, he lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son that the Son may glorify you, since you have given him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom you have given him. And this is eternal life, that they know youthe only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed."

How great it is knowing that one man's sacrifice and obedience to the cross changes the course of everything known to man. I count my blessing for being raised in a family that introduced me to church, to Jesus, to purpose. Predestination always trips me up, but questioning and arguing it serves no purpose to me. I have come to know the Father, Son, and Spirit so there's no time to look back. I hope to look forward to the work ahead and continue pursuing God's will. That I still struggle with. As I come to terms with a handful of things in my life and struggle to the meaning behind much of it, I still recognize that all the glory belongs to God. Since the beginning of time, to Jesus' death, and beyond. God is more than deserved of His glory.

God, may I bring you glory. May my joy be complete in you.

Unchanged

In this lifetime, things will change, people will change, circumstances will change. However, one thing will remain and I press onward towards that which is unchanged. I will not beat myself over the things that change, but rather consider what joy I might have for that which is unchanged. I'm tired of fitting this mold that will never be satisfied. It is a puzzle that will never be solved. There's a reason the sun always comes up. It never fails.

Self-Discipline

Lots of goals set in 2012 & 2013. A few achieved. A lot more to add. Time to really put my words into motion. 2014: Self-Discipline

-Subjugating everything for the goal of living a life consistent with your beliefs

-Setting your heart on the prize

"I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:23-27